Birth is Beautiful

This is the story of how I became a mother.  At only 30 weeks gestation, my babies were born by emergency c-section due to severe pre-eclampsia, transverse lay, and (after things were already started) placental abruption.  This was not the way I wanted their birth to go.  I was dead-set on having a normal birth and healthy babies.  I had done everything I could to try to make that happen.  The shock of going from being pregnant and thinking I'd be able to make it at least a couple more weeks to all of a sudden being in recovery without my precious babies was bewildering.  The next day as my babies were fighting for their lives in the NICU, I was fighting for mine during a hypertensive emergency that left me with fear that I would never have a chance to hold the babies that I already loved so much.  Even after the crisis was over, I was so ill that I couldn't make it to the NICU for two more days to finally be with my sweet babies.  I had to use every ounce of emotional and physical strength that I possessed to make it through those first few days.  I was left feeling ashamed and disappointed, because it wasn't the perfect birth.  Everything had gone wrong.  Their birth wasn't beautiful.

I have had a hard time dealing with those feelings the past few months.  Even though I knew it was what needed to happen for my babies to make it here safely, and that prayers were answered in our little room in triage when we decided what to do, I still felt guilt.  Guilt that I somehow wasn't enough of a woman to give birth to them the way women are 'supposed to.'  That my body couldn't handle carrying two babies to term.  That I couldn't hold them in their first moments on earth so that they'd know everything was okay and they weren't alone.  That I missed out on being a part of their first days of life.   And just plain disappointment that it all had to happen that way.

A couple days ago I was having a particularly rough time with it.  I decided that it was time to finally watch the video that Blake took of the birth of our children.  And as I watched those two tiny babies coming into the world for the first time, I saw the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  Their little cries were the most incredible sound my ears had ever heard.  I gave them the best possible start in life I could.  I nurtured and grew two babies with my body for seven months, pushing my body to it's limits.  I gave birth to them through my body, and have a scar to prove it.  And you know what, no matter what anyone else may say and no matter how it happens, every birth is beautiful.  Jensen & Everett's birth wasn't a horror story, it was a story of a mother who had limitless love and would do anything for her children, and two babies who fought for their lives and won.  And it was beautiful. 

Jensen's first moments

Everett's first moments