Birth is Beautiful

This is the story of how I became a mother.  At only 30 weeks gestation, my babies were born by emergency c-section due to severe pre-eclampsia, transverse lay, and (after things were already started) placental abruption.  This was not the way I wanted their birth to go.  I was dead-set on having a normal birth and healthy babies.  I had done everything I could to try to make that happen.  The shock of going from being pregnant and thinking I'd be able to make it at least a couple more weeks to all of a sudden being in recovery without my precious babies was bewildering.  The next day as my babies were fighting for their lives in the NICU, I was fighting for mine during a hypertensive emergency that left me with fear that I would never have a chance to hold the babies that I already loved so much.  Even after the crisis was over, I was so ill that I couldn't make it to the NICU for two more days to finally be with my sweet babies.  I had to use every ounce of emotional and physical strength that I possessed to make it through those first few days.  I was left feeling ashamed and disappointed, because it wasn't the perfect birth.  Everything had gone wrong.  Their birth wasn't beautiful.

I have had a hard time dealing with those feelings the past few months.  Even though I knew it was what needed to happen for my babies to make it here safely, and that prayers were answered in our little room in triage when we decided what to do, I still felt guilt.  Guilt that I somehow wasn't enough of a woman to give birth to them the way women are 'supposed to.'  That my body couldn't handle carrying two babies to term.  That I couldn't hold them in their first moments on earth so that they'd know everything was okay and they weren't alone.  That I missed out on being a part of their first days of life.   And just plain disappointment that it all had to happen that way.

A couple days ago I was having a particularly rough time with it.  I decided that it was time to finally watch the video that Blake took of the birth of our children.  And as I watched those two tiny babies coming into the world for the first time, I saw the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.  Their little cries were the most incredible sound my ears had ever heard.  I gave them the best possible start in life I could.  I nurtured and grew two babies with my body for seven months, pushing my body to it's limits.  I gave birth to them through my body, and have a scar to prove it.  And you know what, no matter what anyone else may say and no matter how it happens, every birth is beautiful.  Jensen & Everett's birth wasn't a horror story, it was a story of a mother who had limitless love and would do anything for her children, and two babies who fought for their lives and won.  And it was beautiful. 

Jensen's first moments

Everett's first moments

TBT: My Maternity Pictures

Remember that one time I was pregnant?  I had grand plans to have a beautiful maternity session in my 3rd trimester, but unfortunately I was put on bedrest long before that was a possibility.  Luckily, as I was getting ready for the fancy (silly) tea party my mom's family has every year, I decided to have Blake snap a few pictures for me.  I was only 22 weeks at the time, but little did I know just 3 weeks later I'd be on bed rest and in 8 weeks I'd have babies. So, here are a few of my favorites.  I really miss that belly sometimes.

Coming soon: Newborn pictures and family pictures!

Jensen & Everett: One Month Old, and On Being a NICU Mom

I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this blog follows me on Facebook and thus knows that my babies were born a month ago on February 17th.  I had taken my 30 week pregnancy picture and was going to write my blog post after I got home from my doctor's appointment.

30 weeks measuring 37 weeks.  I had no idea my babies would be born that very night.

Unfortunately, at the appointment my doctor told me that I would need to be in the hospital for the rest of my pregnancy, and that wouldn't be very long, maybe a couple of weeks at the most.  I went to the hospital for monitoring, and after several hours my doctor told me that me that it was time for the babies and I to part ways.  So, at 10:15 that night Jensen was born, and at 10:17 Everett was born.  If you want to hear the whole tale, just ask me next time you see me.  This post will be ridiculously long as it is.  Jensen was born at 3 lbs and Everett was 3 lb 6 oz.  There was a big team of people from the NICU ready to work on them.  Jensen was in respiratory distress and needed to be intubated.  Everett was doing much better and only needed a cannula (the oxygen tube thing that goes in the nose.)  I am so grateful to live in an age where babies born at 30 weeks can survive and thrive.  I am so grateful I had a OB that helped me give them the best chance possible.  Jensen and Everett were soon transferred to the NICU and I was able to briefly see them before I was moved to my room in postpartum.  That was Tuesday night, and it wasn't until Friday that I was able to see them again and hold them for the first time.  That long wait was one of the hardest parts of everything.

Jensen, several minutes after birth

Everett, a while after birth

Dad with Jensen

Everett's isolette home in the NICU

Tiniest baby feet

My whole family (and my cousin who works at the hospital) came to see me and keep me company in L&D while Blake was with the babies.

My brief meeting with Everett

Admiring my tiny baby

Saying hello to Jensen

Holding Jensen for the first time

Tiniest fingers

First family photo!  I'm holding Everett for the first time

Precious time with Jensen

Holding Everett

Hi Everett!

Everett smiling at my dad on Facetime

I have said all along that I'm glad these guys were my first.  I think it's a good thing that I haven't experienced how awesome it is to hold your baby right after birth and bring them home with you.  I feel like that would make this so much worse.  Not to mention the difficulty of having kids at home while being in and out of the hospital while pregnant and visiting the babies in the NICU every day.

So, what's it like to be a NICU mom?  It's frightening, hard, strange, yet somehow wonderful at the same time.  Well, the NICU part isn't wonderful, but the mom part is.  I do admit I don't feel much like a mom yet, especially since I have to ask their nurses permission for everything I do with my babies.  They are hooked up to so many wires and tubes.  It was hard to see them with IVs stuck in their hands, feet, and heads.  Luckily they don't have those anymore.  It is scary hearing the monitor alarms go off all the time and feeling helpless because I'm not a nurse and don't know when I really need to be concerned (although I'm picking up some things.)  It was shocking to see them the first couple times because they were literally the smallest babies I had ever seen.  Now that they have gained some weight I think they are chubby and am shocked when I see 'enormous' regular babies.  I have spent 3-9 hours a day at the NICU since they were 6 days old.  I feel so lucky that I have been able to pump milk for them and even though it's hard to spend many hours every day (and night) doing that, it feels great to contribute to helping them grow and become stronger.  Plus I see it as easing me into having to feed two babies all through the day and night.

Everett's monitor screen

Jensen's monitor screen

Jensen, 6 days old

Everett, 6 days old

 

Everett

Jensen

Everett

Everett, 10 days old

Jensen, 10 days old

Chilling in the tanning bed under the phototherapy lights

Awesome shades

In one month, my boys have made great progress.  Jensen is 4 lb 1 oz (3 lb at birth), and Everett is 4 lb 7 oz (3 lb 6 oz at birth).  Jensen is 16.7" (15" at birth) and Everett is 17.7" (16" at birth.) They have moved from their isolettes into 'open cribs,' aka plastic tubs with little mattresses in them.  Everett has been off oxygen since his first week of life, and Jensen was off for a few days before going back on.  Everett was always a little bigger in the womb, and had less respiratory problems at birth, so I'm not surprised that he's having an easier time.  But Jensen is doing great and will be caught up with his brother before we know it.  They spent plenty of time under the phototherapy lights for jaundice, but they haven't had to do that for quite a while.  They have both moved from using IVs to get most of their nutrition to being able to use their stomachs to eat through feeding tubes.  Everett is working on learning breastfeeding, and Jensen will get to start trying soon as well.  They get caffeine to help them with the apnea of prematurity (basically, they sometimes forget to breathe because of their underdeveloped nervous systems) as well as fortifier to give them extra protein, vitamins, minerals, and other things that they need to help them grow faster.  People always ask me how long they'll have to stay in there, and the answer is I don't really know.  However, they do say that you can expect them to stay until around their due date, but it's not uncommon for them to go home earlier.  So, my guess is that it will be sometime during April (their due date was April 27th.)  It seems like it will be difficult to juggle having one at home and one in the NICU, so I hope they won't go home too far apart from each other.

Reading One Fish Two Fish to Jensen, one week old

8 days old

Jensen

Jensen and his furry arms :)

Dad and Everett, 11 days old

Everett and his sweet hair style

Dad with both boys!

Nuzzling Everett

Everett and his bink

Mom with both boys

Two weeks old!

Sweet little Jensen

Adorable little Everett

Jensen has big eyes!

19 days old

25 days old

Twinners!  24 days old

Everett, 27 days old

Everett, 26 days old

Jensen with pen to compare size, 17 days old

Everett, 24 days old

Giving Everett a bath

I love my babies so much and feel so lucky to get two of them!  They are so adorable I can barely handle it.  I am obsessed with their red hair, chubby little feet, tiny hands, the little noises they make, I could go on and on.  It's hard to imagine getting to actually bring them home, and it's a little scary as well.  Without the monitors, how will I know if they are breathing and their hearts are beating???  I guess I'll have to trust that they wouldn't be sent home unless the doctors are absolutely sure they are ready for it.  Plus their underdeveloped immune systems will be much more vulnerable than a full-term baby's, so I will have to be extra careful not to expose them to anything.  I'm so excited to bring them home and actually feel like a mom and get to spend lots of time with them!

Little fatty :)

Everett

Jensen